Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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