I heard we made out
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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