New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize