he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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