I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
nutella sex= disaster
Sober January is a disaster.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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