I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
