Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm having to shit out rocks
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize