uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
