god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
