It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
