70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
