I'm laying in your front yard are you home
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize