I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
