This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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