I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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