I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
My pussy is not your playground.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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