just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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