you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
