3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
