EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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