and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
