I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
