my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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