I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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