My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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