guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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