you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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