We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
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