Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's official drugs can't kill me
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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