IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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