Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
