worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
