i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
