I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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