I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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