I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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