Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Randomize
