I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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