your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
