we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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