it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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