So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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