On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize