I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
