Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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