I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
