I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
