His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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