theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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