My first STD was from a foam party
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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