Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
