she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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