one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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