I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
