I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
