if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
