There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
