A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
