That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
