Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
