I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize