my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
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